On the 1976 & 1977 tours, "Titties of Beer" was performed slightly
differently than released on "Zappa in New York": there were extra lyrics, which
were edited out for official release. These are the full lyrics (which were performed with
variations, of course), with the unreleased portion intented and within
curly brackets {like this} (in case you want to save this as plain text):
It was the blackest night, there
was no moon in sight,
You know, the stars ain't shinin' 'cause the sky is too tight,
I heard the scary wind, I seen some ugly trees,
There was a werewolf honkin' 'long the side of me -
I'm mean 'n' I'm bad, you know, I ain't no sissy,
Got a big-titty girlie by the name of Chrissie,
Talkin' about her and my bike and me
And this ride up the mountain of Mystery! Mystery!
{It was 11 o'clock upon a Friday night,
You know, the girl and me was feelin' outta-sight,
We had twenty reds and a big ol' pile of weed,
You know, she drank some wine and then she LSD'd ...
Chrissy puked twice and jumped on my bike,
She yelled "Fire it up, 'cause you know what I like!";
She burned her leg on a tail-pipe then,
And yelled "Shit-a-ree!", and puked again.}
I noticed even the crickets were actin' weird up here,
And so I figured I might just drink a little beer,
I said: "Gimme some of that what you're suckin' on!"
But there was no reply, 'cause she was gone!
"Where's those titties that I like so well
And my goddamn beer?" is what I started to yell,
Then I heard this noise, like a crunching twig
And up jumped the Devil [1] (he's about this big)!
He had a red suit on, and a widow's peak,
And then a pointed tail and like a sulphur reek,
Yes it was him all right, I sweared I knowed it was -
He had some human flesh stuck underneath his claws!
You know, it looked to me like it was titty skin;
I said "You son-of-a-bitch!", 'cause I was mad at him!
Well, he just got out his floss and started cleaning his fang,
So I shot him with my shooter, said: "Bang-bang-bang!"
Then the sucker just laughed 'n' said: "Put it away!
You know, I ate her all up, now what you gonna say?"
"You ate my Chrissie?" "Titties and all!"
"Well, what about the beer then, boy?" "Were the cans this tall?"
"Even her boots?" "Would I lie to you?"
"Shit, you musta been hungry!" "Yes! This is true!"
"Don't they pay you good for the stuff that you do?"
"Well, you know, I can't complain when the checks come through ..."
"Well I want my Chrissie, and I want my beer,
So you just barf it back up now, Devil, do you hear!"
"Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man!
I mean, I am the Devil, do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your titties and beer?
I suppose you've noticed this little contract here ..."
"You're goddamn right, you son-of-a-whore!
That's about the only reason I learned writin' for,
Gimme that paper, bet your ass I will sign,
Because I need a beer, and it's titty-squeezin' time!"
"Man, you can't fool me - you ain't that bad,
I mean, you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had,
Well, there was Milhouse Nixon, and Agnew too [2],
And both of those suckaz was worse than you!"
"Well, let's make a deal if you think that's true,
I mean ... you're the Devil, so ... whatcha gonna do?"
[improvised dialogue section]
"NO, DON'T SIGN IT! GIMME TIME TO THINK!
I MEAN, HOLD ON A SECOND, BOY, 'CAUSE - THAT'S MAGIC INK!"
And then the Devil barfed, and out jumped my girl,
They heard the tittes plop-ploppin' all around the world,
She said: "I got me three beers and a fistful of downs,
And I'm gonna get ripped so fuck you clowns!"
Then she gave us the finger, it was rigid and stiff,
That's when the Devil, he farted, and she went right over the cliff ...
Well, the Devil was mad, I took off to my pad,
I swear I do declare how did she get back there!
I swear I do declare how did she get back there!
I swear I do declare how did she get back there!
I swear I do declare how did she get back there! [3]